Frusturbation

Don't worry, you have not missed an update to the dictionary. Frusturbation is not an existing word (not to my knowledge at least), but it is a word that clearly describes a favorite activity of mine: masturbation for the sole purpose of increasing his frustration. That of course implies he is not allowed to cum. In fact, he won't even be allowed a ruined orgasm, all the cum stays where it belongs: inside his body.
There are so many techniques that can be used to make this very, very challenging for the boy in question that it is actually hard to describe. It also depends on the sensation I want him to have or how evil I am feeling. If I am feeling generous, I will tie him down to his bed while I play with his cock for a long time. And when I say a long time, I mean at least an hour. Not non-stop mind you, because that will likely push him over the edge and cause him to spill his semen. That's not what we want! We want to increase his frustration. However, most of the time, I will not be feeling so generous and he will have to work to increase his own frustration.

A favourite for this is to just have him kneel in front of me naked and play with himself to my instructions. I will tell him to speed up, to slow down, to squeeze his penis harder or to just flick it with his fingers. As he is busy, I tease him with questions whether he would like to cum or not, how good it will feel if he is allowed to squirt.  All the while, I keep him in the dark about if he will be allowed to cum or not. Sometimes, when he has worked very hard to please me during a session like this, I will allow him to cum. Most of the time however, I don't allow it or will just allow him to ruin his orgasm. But allowing him these infrequent orgasms, encourages him to perform as well as he can, because he will never know if he won't get to cum today.

 Other times, when I don't want to spend a lot of time instructing him and seeing his balls bob up and down in front of me, I will tie him down to a chair and leave just his non-dominant hand untied. I will allow him to watch a porn movie like this (but only a movie that features submissive men) and he must continue stimulation throughout the entire movie. Since he is tied down, he is unable to hide any "accidents" from me and he knows that he will be punished soundly if there are any accidents! It's especially challenging with a vibrating butt plug added into the mix!

If I feel he needs some kind of punishment or just a general reminder of his status, I will add something special to the mix: Tiger balm for instance. I will first instruct him to apply a generous dose of the balm to his penis and also his balls. Then, he must begin stroking. Within a few minutes, the ointment will start to burn and irritate his very sensitive parts. It's a lot of fun to watch him squirm and wriggle in a hopeless effort to find relief from the burn. If I am feeling particularly evil that day, I will make him apply the Tiger balm a second or third time. There is such relief when I tell him he may stop stroking. His cock will be swollen and very tender after a while.

During one of these frusturbation-sessions,  I always insist that he is gagged. I don't want to hear his begging, pleading and moaning. He may beg me for release by his eyes alone. For extra 'fun' the gag will be a penis gag. :-)
Another thing that I insist upon is that at the end of the session, he consumes everything that his penis has leaked (unless he's been using the Tiger balm of course).  He must lick his hands clean of any dribble and if any landed on the floor, he'd better get on all fours and get his tongue to work. He finds that last bit very embarrassing, but of course he made the mess, so he needs to clean it up.

Oh, I almost forgot one important detail: if he has not been allowed to cum during the frusturbation session, I usually lock him in his chastity device for a while. After all, we don't want him to cheat, do we? Have fun trying this on your boy, if you like! Or if you are boy, make sure your Domme reads this post!

Submission

A short comment I left on "The Training blog of Mark", got me thinking about submission a bit more. In it, I was speaking about submission and the different levels of submission that exist, according to me at least. I'm not claiming to have written the book on submission or to have invented the proper definition of it. But roughly speaking I think there exist three levels of submission. I will specify them below.

1. Obedience
   This is the most basic level of submission. A boy is given an order or instruction and carries it out. Very basic, very unchallenging and also uninteresting, in my opinion. However, that doesn't mean that obedience is not required of a boy, no matter of how advanced a submissive he is.
2. Servitude
   I don't know if I am completely happy with the term servitude, but for me it covers something more than mere obedience. Servitude implies a willingness to serve, not merely doing as you're told but also trying to please. Obedience is passive, servitude requires being more active. It also implies a certain level of trying to anticipate the needs and wishes of the Domme. To serve is more than to obey.
3. Humility
   Humility literally means to place yourself lower than someone else, to make yourself more acceptable to another person. It is the highest form of submission that implies valuing other's wishes and demands higher than your own, even if those wishes run counter to your own. It is the most advanced form of submission and the one that runs deepest. It requires much more than obedience or servitude.

 I don't mean to say that a submissive who is "only" obedient is therefore less than a sub who displays servitude. It depends a lot on the type of scene that is being played, the expectations, etc. For instance, if you're playing a teacher/schoolboy scene, servitude is not required, obedience is enough. I am also not saying that every submissive should aspire to advance to level 3. While this is true in video games, it is not so for BDSM play. Furthermore, a boy may display humility in one part of play and obedience in another. You don't get grades for submission.

As on the weblog I mentioned, I'd like to close by saying the following:
Disclaimer: the above babble is just my opinion and no correctness or usefulness is implied.

Okay class, discuss!

On spanking

As I mentioned before, I have been into spanking for as long as I can remember. Even before I explored any other Domme activities, before I was even aware of the fact that I was a Domme, I was already spanking neighborhood kids as I was growing up. There is something about the activity that fascinates me enormously. In fact, if I am honest, I get excited by it. There's something about the sight of an upturned and bared male bottom that makes me want to smack it. The exquisite and smooth round globes are just so...inviting. Because I love it so much, and because of the fact that I have Robert close at hand most of the time, I get to indulge in a little spanking - or a lot of spanking - often.

In our home, there are essentially three kinds of spanking. Not that they are so clearly separated all the time, but on the whole, it is quite easy for us to keep them separated.

1. Punishment spanking
    Fairly obvious what these are, I would say. Robert has messed up in some way or form and I make sure he learns his lesson. I do my best to make these spankings as memorable as possible for him and that does involve a good deal of bruises and difficulty sitting. They are also quite ritualized and are definitely not fun for him or for me, really. I'd rather not have to punish him. They are usually short, sharp and intensely painful.
2.  Therapeutic spanking
   Perhaps hard for some people to understand, but a good spanking can actually help Robert to relax. Sometimes, when the poor thing comes home after a stressful day at work, I can just tell he needs one. Like others need a back rub, Robert needs some good swats to the extreme lower end of his back. While these spankings obviously hurt (every spanking causes some amount of pain), they are not nearly as painful as a punishment spanking. The relaxing effect is caused by endorphins released into the bloodstream as a result of the pain. Endorphins are natural opiates, which of course help to relax the muscles and the mind. Think of a therapeutic spanking as a very intense massage and you won't be far off.
3. Fun spanking
   These are probably the hardest for others to understand. How can a spanking be fun? Well, they certainly are not always fun for Robert in the sense that he does not enjoy them, though on some level he does. Fun spankings are very much fun for me, obviously. For Robert they range from mildly painful and a rosy backside to nearly the same intensity as a punishment spanking...or even more. Why does a fun spanking hurt more than a punishment spanking, you may ask. Well, maybe you are not going to ask, but I'm going to tell you anyway. Robert likes to be challenged on occasion, and I like to challenge him. I like to see how far I can push him, how red and sore I can make him before he desires to stop. In a way, he loves to suffer for me, he wants to accept the pain I inflict on his backside, not because he was bad, but because he knows how much I enjoy spanking him. He takes pride in accepting the spanking, in the marks I leave on his bottom and he loves the way the spanking underlines his position. He enjoys going to work and feeling the warmth and soreness all day as he sits down. He says it makes him feel close to me. Nobody knows about the pink panties under his trousers, the bruises on his bottom but me and him. It creates an intimate bond, sharing that secret and living our secret lives.

That concludes the first bit I wanted to say about spanking. I will write more about it in the future.

The picture included with this post, I found on the weblog "Over her knee". I hope the artist does not mind me using this delightful image as an illustration for my post. Should you mind, please let me know and I will remove it. It is not my intent to steal other's work.

The joy of orgasm control

For those that know about my lifestyle (and that's not a large number of people), it is no secret that I am very fond of orgasm control. I say orgasm control and not orgasm denial, because I don't believe in (total) orgasm denial. While women seem to have no biological need to have orgasms (not that we don't like them!), for the male body it is necessary to expel semen on a fairly regular basis. There seems to be sufficient medical information that indicates it is necessary to maintain prostate health. And indeed, who needs a bunch of stale "swimmers"? Of course nature has taken care of that and even without any form of stimulation a deprived male will experience spontaneous nightly emissions.

And that, I say, is a complete waste. Why bother with spontaneous nightly emissions when you can instead take charge of his emissions? Don't let him or nature determine when he can expel his semen, but take control as a Domme. Have him cum if, when and how you wish. It is necessary for a man to expel his semen fairly regularly, but nowhere does it say that he must do so by orgasm, at least not a full orgasm. This offers us an interesting option to explore.

I think every Domme out there has experienced that no matter how submissive a boy is, as soon as he has cum, his submission drops. The opposite is also true. Things a boy normally would have difficulty with, become acceptable when he is sufficiently aroused. There are two ways to deal with this. One is to wait until his arousal is high again. The other is to ensure that his arousal does not drop, so his submission remains high. In practice, I use a combination of the two, but with emphasis on the latter. While Robert (my "boy" or submissive) does get to cum fully and completely on occasion, I tend to limit this to special days or special treats or just because I feel generous. For example, his last full orgasm was on August 28. Since that date, all other orgasms have been ruined orgasms. This has the distinct benefit that he gets to expel his semen and there's no lazy batch of stale "swimmers" clogging up the plumbing, while simultaneously not allowing him to achieve a full orgasm and denying him satisfaction. There's hardly any dip in his submission because his brain has not experienced an orgasm. Therefore his physical health is not endangered. I am not making any assurances about his mental health, though...

In theory, a boy would never have to experience a full orgasm this way and I am sure that there are some boys who never get beyond a ruined orgasm. However, I find this too severe. I like to see Robert orgasm for me and I like to give him permission to do so. He must earn it at times and I may deny him for a few days, but what would his incentive be to serve me well if I never allowed him to cum to his full satisfaction? I also love to hear him ask for permission to cum. But why would he honestly ask, beg and plead if I never allow him his pleasure? He knows that there is always a chance that I will allow it, even though I may put a condition on it.

I plan to write more about orgasm control in the future, describing techniques that I like to use and my experiences with them. I will also discuss Roberts response to them. In return, I'd love to hear the techniques used by other Dommes out there. Do you deny your subs, and if so how long? What are your favourite techniques, etc. Or, if you are a boy under orgasm control, please let me know how it is working for you and what you must endure.

Rules of the mansion

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am married with my submissive, my boy. I like to address him as boy, which underlines the fact that he is so much younger than me. It does wonders for my ego, to have a young man at home, pampering me and I enjoy to be pampered (this has nothing to do with nappies, mind you!).

Since we live together as husband and wife (to the outside world at least), this gives us the possibility to play 24/7. Of course we don't do that. You have to be able to step outside of the roles when needed. When he is ill, for instance (men are such babies when it comes to feeling a little under the weather). We need to be able to discuss things as equals. But there is a clear understanding that in all discussions, my word is final. He accepts this as a matter of course, the good boy that he is.
While we discuss things as equals, we do have a set of rules that I insist upon and that I'd like to share with you.

Duties

1. I will cook, but he will set the table and do the washing up. Reason for this is that he could not cook to save his life.
2. He will do all the cleaning around the house.
3. He will keep the garden well kept and neat.
4. He will do the laundry and ironing.
5. He will keep all toys and instruments clean and ready for immediate use.

Personal appearance

1. He will shave his face daily.
2. He will wear neat and clean clothing where ever he goes.
3. He will get frequent hair cuts.
4. He will keep his nails trimmed.
5. He will change his underwear daily, his socks at least once every two days.
6. He will make sure his shoes are neatly shined.

Special instructions

1. He will wear panties of my choice, unless instructed otherwise. This means he is in panties 95% of the time. The other 5% is made up of times when he wears no underwear at all or male underwear, when he needs to go somewhere were people might see his undergarments.
2. He will keep his genitals shaved and will shave his bottom once a week. I can't stand a hairy bottom.
3. He will not masturbate without permission. Period. No exceptions.
4. He will not look at pornographic imagery with one exception and that is pornography which depicts submissive males.
5. He will speak to me respectfully at all times, even when in public. He will not use obscenities or raise his voice to me. 

Of course these rules are not that hard to follow, when someone really wants to. And he does want to very much.  They help to maintain the Domme/sub interaction between us. We arrived at this set of rules after good and open discussion about what I like in my sub and about what he would be willing to accept. Breaking any of the rules above results in punishment, which is also part of our mutual understanding.

A Domme is born

I consider myself to be a natural born Domme. How do I know that? Well, I still have a kindergarten report card which says that I tend to be bossy towards the other children. And I suppose that was true then. I've always been quite dominant in my relationships with others. I grew up in a small village and had many friends there. Of course, we often visited each other's house to play. One of the favorite places we had to play, was in the backyard of my best friend. They had a shed there, where we had toys and things. We often "played house" and invariably I ended up being the "mother" of several boys and girls. And yes, when they were "naughty", "Mommy" would have to spank them. It was curious how many boys/girls went over Mommy's knee and were fascinated by it.
Because of this, I believe that I was born a Domme. Somehow, there's some gene in my body which makes me the way I am.

Of course, as I got older, less and less of my friends were interested in playing house. Curiously though, there was one boy around my age who continued to have an interest in playing house, or rather the spanking part of it. Slowly our play moved away from playing house and started revolving completely around spanking. Most of the time it was me who was spanking him but we also tried it the other way around. We started meeting secretly at his parents' house. They were gone a lot of the time, so that gave us ample time. Our games were very innocent and involved only the bottom being bare and just gentle spankings, but somehow we knew very well that what we were doing was "strange". Or rather, other people would find it strange. Instinctively, we hid our activities from everyone else.

Moving into our teens, we continued playing together. We also became more interested in other aspects of our body, of course. Our games reflected that by becoming more physical. Spanking on the bare bottom was still a large part of it but we expanded it with more nudity and sometimes bondage. By this time it was always me who was in the dominant role. My friend (I never considered him as my boyfriend though most everyone else did) became the "victim" of many of my early fantasies of domination. In that time, I devoured books and comics where there was some form of punishment, embarrassment or something similar involved. I would read them and get this strange, warm feeling which I did not yet recognize as sexual arousal. My friends arousal was of course more obvious than mine, all the more because he never got to see me naked, in underwear at the most. I became fascinated with his erect penis, since it apparently produced such intense feelings in him when I played with it. That fascination to tease and torment a penis lasts until this day.

Our games were cruelly interrupted when his family moved overseas. Despite promises to keep in touch, our letters became less and less frequent until finally our contact stopped completely. I have never seen him again. By mentioning the word "letters", am I betraying my age here?
His sudden departure meant the beginning of a long dry spell for me where it came to domination. As more and more of my friends became seriously involved with young men, I started feeling peer pressure to have a stable relationship with a nice guy. It was also the time where I left my parents' home to move to the big city for my education. Finally free of an obsessively concerned mother, I could explore my feelings deeper and more freely. However, I was still careful should anyone find out my secret. In an effort to learn more about my interest, I started frequenting the library (oops, another sign of my age) for books about the subject. I did not dare borrow them, instead I wrapped them in a magazine and read them in a quiet corner at the library itself. Strange, condemning words leapt at me from the pages: "deviant", "aberrant", "abnormal" and the worst one of all: "perverse". These words hurt me deeply. I was apparently a sick person. I was perverse. I was sexually deviant. Apparently, my illness even had a name: sadism. I felt branded.

Convinced that I somehow needed to be cured, I looked for a way to do that. The answer seemed obvious: I needed to find a normal man. I became convinced that if I found myself a normal man to fall in love with, that somehow these feelings would go away. And as luck would have it, I met a normal man. A very decent, caring, loving, strong and dependable man. The ideal son-in-law. Marriage material. And before I knew it, I was in the caught up in the stream of engagement leading to marriage leading to pregnancy. We had a son. We had a daughter. We worked normal jobs, had a normal life and my mother approved. I was happy.
Or so I told myself. But underneath it all lurked the monster. My perversion. Oh sure, I tried to suppress it. I tried to ignore it. I tried to run away from it. But I could not. It was as much part of me as my arm. Every now and then, it popped up its ugly head into our sex life. I loved to be on top (and hubby loved me to be on top too) but when I suggested to experiment a bit by tying him to the bed board, he refused. He said that it wasn't for him. He did want to tie me to the bed though, but I didn't feel for that. I didn't realize it then, but I think this was the end of our marriage. My monster went unfulfilled and became more and more hungry. As the years passed, we grew apart, each leading our own lives, caring for our children, holding up the appearance of a marriage.

By this time, we had the Internet in our home as well. And like it or not, the monster compelled me to look up things about it. At first a little but it became more and more. There was a wealth of information out there. And slowly, I became less convinced that I was in fact sick. Maybe the monster was not so much of a monster after all. I read stories, saw photos, discovered that there were many, many more people out there who were like me. That there were men who wanted to meet women like me, desperately.
However, not being very technical and unable to cover my tracks (not even aware I was leaving them), it was only a matter of time before my husband discovered what our computer had been used for. At first he thought it was our son, but the poor boy was hardly old enough to have developed such a profound interest already, let alone grasp English. I confessed that it had been me. And for the very first time in my life, I openly told someone face to face about my deepest, hidden desires. My poor husband, shocked as he was that his wife had such a dark side to her, did his best to comprehend. We talked, we laughed together, we cried together and slowly reached the conclusion that our relationship had reached a point where we didn't have much of anything in common any more. We weren't angry, just sad yet somehow also strangely relieved. We divorced on good terms shortly afterwards and fortunately to this day, we have remained friends.

And there I was, single again, though a mother of two. But this time I was more confident and started to explore my feelings more openly. My resolve strengthened by the things I read online, the knowledge that there were others out there like myself, I joined a web forum about BDSM. I also knew more about computers now and knew to be careful with my identity.
When I came out of the closet as a Domme on this forum, I was swamped by messages by men who were looking for someone like me. The desperation of some of these men, the way they addressed me, shocked me to the core. I was called things that I never even had believed I would be called in my wildest dreams. "Goddess", "Mistress" or "Lady" were common, as was the term "Madam" or "Ma'am". I allowed the use of the latter since it is more a generic way of addressing someone, although polite. Many jumped me, telling me what they wanted me to do to them. That was just wrong to my mind. I was the Domme. Shouldn't I be telling them what they should do for me?

On this forum, I met a young man (I say young because he is almost 10 years my junior) by the name of Robert (which is not really his name, of course). He seemed very different from many of the others. For one, he seemed very interested in pleasing me, not himself. He seemed open to the things I told him I enjoyed or would like to try once. We chatted privately more often. And before long, we decided to meet (we weren't that far apart, fortunately). Incredibly, we got along amazingly well. We share our sense of humour, we like many of the same films, the same type of trips, everything. Plus, we are a perfect match when it comes to the type of play. Little more than a year later, we got married. And for the first time in my life, I can say I am complete. I am truly happy and do not have to try and fool myself or deny who I am. I am a happily married Domme and wife (yes, in that order). Life as a Domme has so many perks for me. For one, imagine the looks of murderous jealousy I get from the other ladies at the office Christmas party when I proudly strut in with a man almost ten years younger than me, who takes my coat, fetches me something to drink and things like that. When they ask me how I managed to do that, I just give a wink. If only they knew how I keep him in line...

A new blogger in town

Seems like nowadays, everyone is starting a weblog. Or begins Twittering...or so I'm told. Is it okay to call someone who twits all day an old twit? Never mind, just a thought.

On that note, welcome to my spanking new weblog. Nice, my second pun in less than four lines.

I suppose, since this is my first post, I should be telling you a little something about me, this weblog, etc. You agree? Okay, here it goes. My name is Barbara and that is not my real name. It is a pseudonym. Or alias, if you prefer. I will call it a pseudonym because it sounds better and shows off my education more effectively. I paid enough for it, I might as well show it off (anyone who points out a spelling mistake after this point, gets a punch in the nose, okay?). Secondly, I called this weblog "A Domestic Domme" because that is what I am and because I like the alliteration. I promise I will put the dictionary away now.

With Domme, I mean of course that I am a Dominant Lady. I am not a leather clad Dominatrix, not a Goddess or anything of the sort, not a Princess or a Queen, not a Mistress or any other title. If some people want to use titles, that's fine by me. But I am yet to meet the first person who calls me Goddess to my face and should that ever happen, I am sure to laugh at the poor fellow until I get a nosebleed. My name is Barbara. Okay, it really isn't, see above, but let's not complicate matters further.
So much for the Domme bit. Now on to the Domestic bit. Why Domestic? Well, to most of the outside world I am probably just an average woman, of average age, with an average job, living in an average part of town, with average friends and an average house, an average husband and two very non-average cats. But I guess that goes for all cats, which would make my two cats extremely average as far as cats are concerned and now I've gone and given myself a headache. Still with me? Good!
I'm just trying to say that no one (unless they had psychic powers) would be able to guess that I am a Domme. I don't stomp around in leather boots, go to play-parties, carry a riding crop with me where ever I go and my husband does not wear a collar. Our play happens in the house, in private.

What can you expect of this weblog? Well, I am not sure yet. I can tell you a bit about what NOT to expect, if that helps you. This weblog will not contain:

• pornographic images
  So if you've come for that, I'm sorry to say you are in the wrong place
• images of my husband or me
  I'm not comfortable with sharing such images with the rest of the world, so I won't. The picture in my profile? No idea who she is, but it's not me for sure. I'm not blond. Then again, I might be and I am telling you I'm not, just to confuse you.
• detailed information about my husband or me
  You do not need to know who I am.

What I am going to talk about in the future, are things that interest me. That may range from music to movies to books to the nastiest ways you can torture the cock of your submissive. Some of this stuff may appeal to you, some may not. I would appreciate feedback to what I post, positive or negative, that's both okay, as long as you can provide a reason for it. Just saying you hate it will not provoke any response, saying you don't think Tabasco is healthy to put on a man's cock because an esteemed medical journal says so, will. What's that? Do I put Tabasco on a man's cock? Stick around and you may find out.

Okay, enough rambling for now.