Wednesday, 27 July 2011

The right mindset

This post is directed at women who are not adverse to being a Domme, who are willing to try it out but are not sure if they can be or even play dominant. I hope some of this advice will be useful to you, because I tend to receive a few questions on how to become a Domme. Being dominant is mostly a state of mind, an act, a role that you play. Playing a role does not automatically change you into that role. But it can help you with establishing dominance.

One of the most difficult things, especially for a woman just setting out on the path towards dominance, is to find the right mindset. Dominance is not in your body or in your appearance. It is in your mind. A petite and fragile woman can be extremely dominant when she knows herself to be dominant in her mind. She has to be convinced that she exudes dominance. If you can convince yourself that you are dominant and that what you say, carries with it an air of confidence, you are already halfway there. If you doubt your own dominance, or are not confident in it you can not be an effective Domme. So how do you go about being confident or at least faking your own confidence if you are just beginning?

Well, it may sound corny but a lot of it begins with posture and stance. A Domme does not simply stand. She stands upright, her shoulders back and her chin up proudly. Try it out and you will feel your confidence building automatically. Breathe deeply and slowly so you calm yourself down. Next, there is walking. A dominant lady does not walk, she strides. Try walking slowly, planting your feed purposefully. Walk upright, looking around. Always remember that a Domme stands and walks upright with a straight spine.  This will give you a feeling of power and confidence automatically. And don't forget, it will make you look confident and powerful too. Try slowly walking in a circle around a man who is on his knees. It will be very difficult not to feel some sort of rush of power.

Speech is vitally important. If you are just starting out, you may feel very awkward telling a man what to do. This can make your voice soft, timid and your speech unsure. Fortunately, you can also fake confidence here. Start out by only giving short instructions telling him what to do, don't hold long speeches. Don't allow him to look directly at you, instead make him look at the floor, your feet or something like that. By avoiding direct eye contact, it will be easier and less confrontational for you to give commands. While a powerful, dominant gaze may be what you want, this method will give you some time to develop it. Should he look up despite being instructed not to, don't stare him down if you're not feeling confident. Instead, a simple slap to his face will be enough. It doesn't have to be hard for it to startle him and remind him of his position.
At the same time, don't allow him to speak. He will have to answer when asked a question but he should not be allowed to speak out of his own. This will ensure you don't have a big mouth or awkward questions. Most submissive men will easily accept this instruction.

Next, make him take a position that shows he is submissive. Especially if you are petite and the man in question is big. Simply telling a big, strong man to kneel so that you can look down on him, will give you a feeling of confidence. You may ask yourself why the man in question would even consider obeying you. After all, he is much bigger and stronger than you. Never forget that in his heart, he wishes you to take charge. He wishes to obey you. He wishes that you tell him what to do. Otherwise he would not even be there with you. The power exchange is always a matter of give and take. He gives you the power and authority and he expects you to accept it and assume the authority. As long as you remember that he longs to obey you, you will be fine.

Dress is an important aspect of asserting dominance. Don't worry, you don't have to be a leather-clad, whip wielding, booted vixen. Try to go instead for a business like look. Dress in a strong colour like dark grey or black. A simple white blouse over a black pencil skirt is more than enough. It looks strict and stylish at the same time. There's no need to dress in anything sexy. Most submissive men would not need that anyway. For them, the Domme is someone they should not see as a sex object. The Domme is a woman to be respected and somewhat feared. Proper dress will help them to create and strengthen that image of you.
On the other end of the spectrum is the submissive. While you remain dressed, stern looking and aloof, you can widen the power gap by having him undress. The clothed female, naked male concept can work wonders for you here. It's difficult for him to feel anything but humbled if he is in the presence of a dressed woman and he himself is naked and on his knees.

By playing the dominant role more often, you become better at it. It will start to feel more natural and before long, it will no longer be simply a role. The things you tried to do will become more comfortable and more natural to you. As you see that your dominance is accepted as a matter of course by a submissive man, your confidence will grow and while you may still resort to any and/or all of the above devices, you will no longer have to rely on them.

In summary, use of the following devices will help you establish dominance and allow you to assume dominance more naturally:
  • Posture and stance
    Keep your back straight and stand tall, keeping your chin up
  • Stride, don't just walk
    Try to walk slowly, purposefully
  • Speak in short commands at first
    You speak, he does only when asked a direct question
  • Avoid direct eye contact by making him look down
    It will make you feel at ease when he is not staring at you
  • Submissive posture
    If you are looking down on him literally, it is easier to be dominant
  • Dress for power
    You look strong in your business-like clothes, he is naked
  • Practice
    Do it often enough and it will start to feel more natural
Oh, and perhaps the most important thing to remember is, try to have fun. Sure, you may not get it right but that is no reason to become disappointed. No one was born the perfect Domme. We all learn by doing and along the way, we make mistakes. So if both of you end up on the floor in a laughing fit because during your purposeful stride you tripped, that is fine too. As with all things in life, practice makes perfect but if it is not fun, you will lose interest. I can honestly say that assuming a dominant role can be a very rewarding experience. There is something very beautiful in seeing a strong man yield to your desires. This does not mean that he is weak or worthless. It simply means that he values your desires over his and that takes a very strong and decent man. Physically, you may look down on your submissive but in your mind you should honour and respect him. After all, what good is it being dominant if there is no one for you to dominate?


  1. Sounds like good advice to me, Barbara. As a man, I would certainly respond as you have written, but ONLY for my wife, not just anybody, and certainly not a "pro" dominatrix. Yuk.

  2. Thank you for this...may need to share with my vanilla-ish Wife! :)

  3. @The Butler: Thank you very much, glad you found it useful. And don't be too hard on the pro Dommes of this world. I am sure there are a few good ones.

    @Waeve: Glad you found it useful. If you do share it with your wife, let me know how you get on!

  4. This is such an excellent post Barbara. I wish I had come accross it 9 years ago when I started dominating my husband. It is also interesting to note that once confidence has fully bloomed, eye contact and long speeches become integral, or certainly the have in my case. But then, I have become very, very dominant now!!! Perhaps you should include a warning too - 'Be careful because you might just become addicted ladies.' LOL

  5. Thank you, Mistress Scarlet. I am glad you approve of what I wrote above. It may seem very obvious to some, but I too wish that someone had written something like this when I was just beginning. These bits of advice may sound a bit artificial and in the beginning they are. But they become second nature after a while. At least, they have for me.

    As to the addicted bit, yes...power does have a certain appeal, doesn't it? ;-)

  6. What a great post Barbara, thank you! My partner and I have only been experimenting in the D/s lifestyle for a few months now! Being a woman who sometimes struggles with her confidence some of it has been tough...but the rush I get when I am dominating is always worth it! And like you say, we can only get better with experience and practice! I can't wait to see what I'm writing on my blog in a years' time!

  7. Mistress Barbara
    Your post is SUPER excellent and very interesting. I have just found your blog and am enjoying immensely. Your writing reminds me of Mistress Kathy who writes "Femdom101".

    Oh, by the way, I am a 70 year old submissive and have been for MANY years.

    The part of your post where you described how the LADY should dress is SOOO positive. The leather outfits and boots are ridiculous. For me, the woman that dresses as you described would, by far, be the best.

    Thank you for your blog and for sure, I WILL BE READING.