Barbara's mailbag

I have been getting lots of interesting email since I started my weblog and I thought I would share some of that with you. Of course I will preserve the anonymity of the sender. First of all, let's start with a big no-no when writing to a Domme.

How not to talk to a Domme
I like to think of myself as fairly accessible and easy-going as a Domme. I certainly don't expect people who write me to grovel or beg for anything. Just a polite message will do. I do however have some standards and some messages just rub me the wrong way. The example below left me flabbergasted behind my PC. Allow me to quote one line from this message:
"Let me know what part of the country you live, so I can deceide if I can travel to you."
Excuse me? I won't mention the spelling mistake or the fact that you don't even know what country I am in, but did you just tell me what to do? And you can decide if you can travel to me? What makes you think I'd be willing to see you in the first place, let alone spank you? If there's anyone going to be deciding anything around here, it will be me. And you do not invite yourself, I will invite you. Guys, I know communicating is difficult for most of you, but do try harder than the author of this message, please?

Can I be your slave?
I've gotten several of these messages and first of all, I have to say that it is flattering to read them. I mean that sincerely. However, I do not take slaves, not  in the bdsm sense of the word. I am not a mistress, not a slave owner. I do not own my submissive. Rather, he submits to me out of his own free will, because he wants to. I accept his submission as a gift.
That being said, right now I am not in the market for an additional submissive. Certainly not in real life. I have thought about taking an online submissive but at the moment I would have too little time for him or her. Should that change however, I will let you all know here.

How do I get my wife to dominate me?
I received this question several times and I'm sorry to say that there is no easy answer. You know your wife best, supposedly. So the one most ideally suited to answer that question is you yourself. Every person is different but I suppose she will fall in one of the categories below:

• Not interested in anything kinky
• Willing to listen
• Willing to experiment
• Willing to play
• Glad to play

If your wife falls into the two top categories, you are probably out of luck. I'm sorry to be blunt, but that's just the way it's likely going to be. She may be willing to listen to your desires but she will most likely not be able to reciprocate.
If she falls in the third category, you may be in luck. She might find some things about the lifestyle that she likes but I doubt she will be willing to live the lifestyle. She may also find that she does not like it, in which case you will be out of luck, probably.
If she is willing to play, you are in luck. She may be doing it just for you, humoring you or she may actually find some satisfaction in it. Over time, she could grow into quite the Domme!
Glad to play, well, then you have probably awoken a monster and there's no saving you now!

I don't think it is possible to turn a woman into a Domme. If you are a submissive man in a relationship with a vanilla woman, one who is truly vanilla and not just out of touch with her own desires, you will most likely never get her to help you out with your desires. She may not even want to listen to them. I know that's not what you want to hear and I wish with all my heart it were different, but sadly I think it isn't. If it's not in her, then no amount of explaining, dropping hints and pleading is going to make her a real Domme. She may humor you on occasion by playing along, but I doubt it will be satisfactory for either of you. Worse still, she may begin to hate doing it.
That being said, I think there are probably a great many women out there who are very dominant and who have the potential to grow into good Dommes but they're either afraid of those feelings, they may feel it is not womanlike to be in charge. Others may even be afraid of those feelings of wanting to be in control. Women have been conditioned by society for such a long time that many may feel it is wrong to be a strong, independent, sexual woman.

If your wife is of the dominant variety, and she may well be if you have submissive tendencies, chances are there is a different approach to achieving her to be your Domme. It is a subtle path, not a straight road towards a goal, though. However, I think it may be a workable solution for those who know that their wives are not ready to listen or are afraid to approach the subject openly.
Even without her knowing about it, you can still submit to her. Whenever she asks you to do something, you do it right away. Even better, you try to anticipate what she wants and do it before she asks. If she's upset with you, you apologize to her, even if you feel you don't have to. Sexually, you take care of her needs before you think of yourself. I'm not telling you to become a doormat, you can still make your own opinion known, but in the end, you let her decide. She decides what's on TV, what restaurant you go to and where the holidays take place. In time she may grow used to you obeying her. She may begin to feel it is the natural state of things. Perhaps then, you can introduce some other aspects of the lifestyle to her. Always remember though, her needs and wants come first.

I am not saying that this is a perfect approach, I am not saying that yes, she will always turn into a Domme if you follow this advice. She may not even like you obeying her! I am saying that it may make the introduction of the lifestyle easier and her more willing to accept things. As always, you know your wife (or girlfriend) best and only you can decide best which approach to take.

Can you teach my wife to dominate me?
Sorry, but I can't do that. I don't have the time nor do I know your wife.

That concludes a little stroll through my mailbox, just in case you were wondering what kinds of messages a Domme gets when she goes public. I have left out the more inappropriate ones, though. You won't believe what some people write me or ask of me!

I caned a girl and I liked it

You may remember that a while ago (quite a while ago actually), I wrote about meeting a young couple during our holiday, who were also in the lifestyle. When they left the resort we were staying at, we exchanged email addresses and we have kept in touch during the past months. As it turned out they don't live that far away, only a few hours driving. Between then and now, we have met several times and I dare to say that we have become quite good friends despite the distance. I realize that I shall have to give them names, so as to easily identify them for you if I'm going to be talking about them. Let's call them Mark and Jessica, though those are not their real names. Mark does something really difficult and demanding with computers and networks, which I am not going even going to try explaining, because I simply don't comprehend it. She works part time in law, so both have good jobs. As she works part time, she is also responsible for most of the domestic chores, which he makes more "interesting" at times by adding bondage, clips, clamps and such.

Pretty early on, Jessica admitted that she was interested in experiencing a caning administered by a woman. She was terribly afraid of the cane yet it was one of her favorite fantasies as well. A contradiction that is not uncommon in subs, as I understand it. Since I am the only dominant woman she knows and since I am somewhat of a self-taught expert when it comes to caning (the cane being a favorite instrument of mine), she quite naturally thought about me doing it. She asked her dominant if he thought it was okay and he had no objections to it. And because Jessica is a woman, Robert also had little qualms about me administering a caning. I have to admit that I was very curious and eager to try it myself, because I had never played with a female submissive before. We set a date for our next meeting and it was determined that Jessica would receive her caning then. She had a nervous wait of almost four weeks during which the anticipation rose to feverish levels sometimes, as she later told me.

When we finally met and had the freshening up and initial coffee behind us, I decided that it was time to administer the cane. We had agreed that there would be no men present, it would be just us ladies. Robert took Mark for a drink to a local cafe so we would have the house to ourselves. Just as well, because I felt nearly as nervous as Jessica about our little experiment. I had carefully chosen the place where everything would happen, a room on our upper floor with a sofa that has high armrests where a submissive can lie over, having the bottom as the uppermost part of the body, nicely presented. I made Jessica walk up the stairs in front of me. In the room, a cane had been placed on the sofa already. She was positively shaking when she entered the room and saw it there. Aware of how nervous she was feeling, I felt I had to try and reassure her somewhat. I explained to her that the caning she was about to receive was in no way a punishment. There was no minimum of strokes and she could end it at any time by simply asking me to stop. I made sure she understood those things before proceeding.

Much to her surprise, I ordered her over my knee first. I had decided to give her a good warm up spanking before the cane, so it would not mark her as much and the pain would not be too intimidating at the start. For some reason this made her feel very embarrassed. She later told me that this intimate closeness to another woman had caused her to feel that way. It made her feel like a little girl, about to be spanked by her mother even though she was never spanked growing up. I immediately flipped up her skirt for the spanking, which I administered by hand. She was wearing a g-string underneath so essentially, the spanking was bare bottom right away. Since I am used to having Robert over my knee, I was struck by how small her bottom appeared. Jessica has a very nice figure and Mark apparently insists that she stays in shape and this was obvious. I admired (okay, envied) her pert buttocks and slender thighs. I gave her a decent warm up spanking, nothing too hard, but enough to cause her some discomfort and redness. She took it very well and after her initial embarrassment, she seemed to loosen up somewhat, even joking a bit as she was being spanked.

That joking and loosening up ended abruptly however when I announced it was time for the cane. She got up off my knee stood there quietly, still holding up her skirt as she was taught apparently. I ordered her over the armrest which she acknowledged with a simple 'okay'. While I am not a stickler for decorum, I did raise my eyebrow at that and looked at her sharply, followed by a stern "Excuse me, young lady?", which made her blush. She apologized quickly, said 'Yes Barbara' and then draped herself over the armrest. Being not as tall as Robert, this position made her stretch her legs out nicely in order to keep her toes on the ground, which suited me fine. She was well positioned for the cane and I once again reminded her that this was not a punishment and that she could stop me whenever she wanted. Having said that, I swished the cane through the air a few times, as always enjoying the sound. I could see Jessica clench her bottom cheeks involuntarily. However before I proceeded with the caning, I decided to lower her g-string. Without warning, I pulled the tiny bit of fabric down to around her knees, explaining that I wanted her exposed. Again, I swished the cane through the air, finally tapping it on her bottom a few times. She clenched and tightened which made me tell her to try and relax, because she would be better able to absorb the pain if she did. I saw her muscles relax a bit and as soon as they did, I made the cane land right in the middle of her bottom. It wasn't a very hard stroke, but sharp enough to give her an impression of what the cane is capable of. For a second, she didn't react at all, which is typical for the cane, then the sharp pain registered and she raised her head and yelped. Immediately after that, I saw her relax again as the pain dissipated and she absorbed it. I landed the next stroke a little below the first. This time the pain did not surprise her, she was ready for it and she took it well, so I decided to make my strokes a little harder. The softer, fleshier lower half of her bottom would be able to take that.

Before I started the caning, I had determined that I would give her twelve strokes, provided Jessica did not stop me before that number. I worked my way down her bottom methodically, each stroke a little lower than the previous one. Stroke number 10 landed right on her sit spots, and 11 and 12 were on the top of her thighs which caused her serious discomfort. All in all, she took the caning very well, maintaining her position and showing no signs of wanting to stop me. When all twelve strokes had been given, she had twelve lines across her cheeks and top of her thighs. I had taken extra care not to cross any previous strokes and I had succeeded. When I announced that the caning was over, Jessica surprised me however. She seemed disappointed and when I asked her about it she admitted to wanting a little more. I explained that canings are traditionally given in increments of three or six. I asked if she could take six more and she nodded. I agreed to giving her six more strokes but I knew that it would be impossible not to cross already existing lines. There was simply not more room on those small cheeks of hers.
I picked up the cane again and continued. The first stroke of the second set landed on her sit spot again. It overlapped the previous stroke that I had given there and this caused her to yelp and squirm over the armrest. When she had regained her composure I continued the caning, this time working my way upward to the middle of her cheeks again. At the second to last stroke, she muttered a curse under her breath. I coolly informed her that cursing earned her two penalty strokes. She wanted to say something, but I cut off any comments by giving her stroke number 18. Instead of words, she let out a loud yelp. I immediately followed up with the two penalty strokes on the back of her thighs. She rose up on outstretched arms, her toes leaving the floor and let out a yell. I was therefore sure she had learned her lesson about cursing. Slowly, she assumed the position again and I inquired if she wanted more or had had enough. After the twenty she had received, she thought it had been enough and I was in full agreement. There were twenty angry looking stripes across her cheeks and thighs, turning purple where they overlapped. I was sure she would feel the effects of the cane for quite some time.

I put the cane down and told her to remain in position as I fetched the arnica gel. This would help the stripes and bruises heal. Usually, if the caning is for punishment, I don't bother with arnica but this had been an experiment for both of us and I wanted her to walk away with a good feeling. As I applied the gel, she let out soft moans, because she was sore but also because it felt good, she said. When I was finished, I let her up and we hugged. She thanked me for my willingness to help her make her fantasy into reality. I had been happy to oblige and I thoroughly enjoyed our little session of play together. I then left her alone for a bit, to come back down to Earth and to study her marks in the tall mirror in the room.

When the men came back, we were already down in the living room enjoying a glass of wine together. Jessica was sitting on the sofa because it offered a very soft seat. Mark wished to see the results though, so he told her to bend over the table so he could admire her marks. A bit shy, with Robert in the room, she got up and walked around the table. I told Robert to turn around so as not to embarrass Jessica which he did. I could see that he was a little disappointed but he isn't supposed to ogle bare bottoms.
Jessica bent over the table and raised her skirt so that Mark could see. He was impressed, both by the severity of the marks and the fact that she had taken it very well. I told him that she had done very well, even asked for extra but didn't mention the curse. Mark wondered if he should be more severe with her, as he ran his fingers over the lines on her bottom cheeks. Jessica looked up at me, smiling through her embarrassment. I smiled back, feeling privileged at being allowed to witness this moment. There was something very beautiful in her submission and his appreciative comments.

That same evening, I received an email from her in which she thanked me once again for the caning. She wrote that it was both the most acute but also most wonderful pain she had ever felt. Every time the cane had whistled through the air, she had been sure that she would not be able to take the stroke but a wonderful warmth had spread through her as soon as the initial sharp pain had subsided. The finale though, the quick strokes on the back of her thighs had been so painful that she had no other word to describe them besides excruciating. They had given her the healthy respect for the cane that the instrument deserves.
Let me take this opportunity here to say thank you, Jessica. It was my pleasure and I'd be happy to do it again.