Thursday, 22 July 2010

Bitch? No, just confident!

A comment left by Susan' Pet yesterday, got me to think about something. I know many men out there are longing for a dominant woman. They are either single or in a relationship with a vanilla woman and their submissive desires go unfulfilled. Such a shame! It seems as there are just not enough Dommes to go around. But is that true?

I think there is certainly some truth to that. I remember from my own upbringing that I was often reminded that girls are supposed to be "sweet". They are certainly not supposed to be independent, strong willed, capable and bossy. And as they get older, it only gets worse. A woman who knows what she wants and is not afraid to say it or get it, is often referred to as a bitch. Men who are in a relationship with such a woman are "pussy-whipped". The media do not have a favourable view of strong women, most of the time. I think this is too bad. If I had been confident and comfortable with being a strong willed woman, my life might have been different. It took me quite some time to accept myself as a dominant.

There are plenty of men who have problems with strong women. I have encountered this in my work many times. Some men just can't accept women in a position of authority. If you have to instruct them or call them to order, you are immediately viewed as a bitch. Even if you are just trying to do the job you have been hired to do. While most men pay lip service to the sentence "I don't have problems with working under a female boss", the reality is often different. That is not the kind of "lip service" I look for in a man.

Perhaps there are many more dominant woman out there. But because they have been trained from a young age to be sweet, they may never feel confident enough to explore their dominance. So when they are asked to be dominant, they may be taken aback, shocked even, because they are being asked to go against everything they have been taught. The reverse is true for submissive men, who wish to serve a woman. There is much shame associated with a man allowing himself to be dominated by a woman. Somehow, it appears to be "not natural".

If I may, (of course I may, it's MY weblog after all!) allow me to direct a few words at women who are asked to be dominant by a lover. First of all, be honoured! Be very honoured! A man has trusted you enough to share his most hidden desires and fantasies with you. This is huge, since we all know that most men find it very difficult to communicate. So for God's sake, don't panic and loose your head. Of course you are taken aback, but listen to him. If you manage to suspend any judgement, this may very well be one of the most intimate moments you ever share with him. It may also be a start of something new and very special for the both of you. So don't refuse flat out or laugh at him. Most likely he is not asking you to turn into a leather clad, whip wielding dominatrix (and even if he is, would that really be that bad?).
Think about it and be open with yourself. Are you willing to at least consider the option of dominating him? It doesn't have to be full time, but maybe every once in a while. Does it interest you somewhat or not at all? Imagine him doing things for you, such as bringing you breakfast in bed, hoovering the living room, the kind of chores you don't like. One of the benefits of being a Domme means that you will no longer have to, if that is you game. Does that have any appeal? If you find there is absolutely nothing about this that tickles your fancy, then being a Domme is probably not for you. Still, I would say: don't knock it until you try it, but insist that he helps you. After all, he is asking for it, so he must have an idea of what he wants, even if you don't.

I'd also like to direct a few words at the men who are considering asking their lover to become dominant. What you are about to do, is one of the bravest things you have ever done or will ever do. It's wonderful that you put such trust in your partner. But be careful! You are about to confront her with a role in which she most likely never pictured herself. Most likely she will be very surprised that her partner harbours such desires. She may even become upset and feel betrayed that you mention this at the current point of the relationship and blame you that you should have mentioned it earlier. They key here is patience. I can not stress that enough. Be patient. If someone is about to parachute out of a plane for the first time, you don't just push them out of the plane and see how they get on. You instruct them, teach them techniques, tell them what to expect, do tandem jumps and only then do you allow someone to jump solo. A woman who is asked to be dominant is like someone parachuting into completely unknown territory. Don't expect her to know anything about it or understand what she is supposed to do.
Here is where my second piece of advice comes in: C O M M U N I C A T E ! It's not enough to tell her that you'd like her to Domme you. That's a good start, but no more than that. Be very open, answer all her questions and more. Tell her why you want her to do that, tell her how it makes you feel. Tell her that you are there for her and want to help her, if she is willing to experiment. You can not make a woman a Domme against her will no matter how much you want to. She has to at least be open to it. If you've asked her, told her everything she wanted to know and she states that she is not open to it or comfortable with it, you may try and pry why that is. But accept her refusal. Don't push the matter because you'll likely make her even less interested. It's not in everyone. But it could be in the one you asked.

As for me, am I a bitch? Well, if being confident of my abilities, sure of what I expect and not afraid to say it, makes me a bitch, then yes. And in that case I am proud of being a bitch.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. I don't ever think I've seen this subject approached with such style and insight. I plan on sending a lot of other people here to read this post, both Dommes and subs (or potential Dommes and subs)!

    Dream hard,
    - Dirk

  3. Thank you Dirk, that is a wonderful compliment. Especially when it comes from someone who is far more into the "scene" than I am, apparently.
    Your words are much appreciated.

  4. Your advice is well put. Unfortunately, as I've found out from my own blog, very few budding female doms ever get to see such advice. They rarely, it seems, read blogs such as this, evidently frightened or intimidated by the entire subject. By far the most faithful readers are male subs, and I believe the various comments on your entries would attest to that fact. Comments on my own blog range from 90 - 95% male.

    What's even more frustrating is the fact that the male sub readers are probably not passing on such advice to their Doms. This is a result of the lack of communication you so eloquently write about, and the fear, if you will, on the male's part that even exposing the fact that they read such blogs will horrify their wives and possibly cause a termination of the little dominance they've managed to achieve.

    So the very people who most need your advice aren't getting to read it, and the male subs, while shaking thier heads up and down in agreement, are seemingly incapable of passing it on to their Doms. What to do? Any suggestions.

  5. Thank you for your comment, Lady Grey. I fear you are correct. Of course I do not have a ready solution to this problem. The only thing that I can do, as I have done with this post, is put my advice out there and hope it is helpful to someone.

    Many women are indeed intimidated by this subject matter. And many men are quite poor at communicating. Still, I think it falls largely upon them to enlighten their ladies and help them find information. After all, if you want something, you are going to have to put some effort into getting it. And if the lady in question sees he is making a serious effort to help her, she might be willing to make one too. At the end of the day, I think it comes down to how well a couple can communicate and what they are willing to do for each other.

  6. Thank you for responding to my comment, Barbara. I've taken the liberty of quoting you on Fur Sissy's blog entry "Ideals, Enjoyment and Female Pleasure in D/s". His blog is called "Sentiments from an Enslaved Sissy" and contains some of the most interesting writing in this particular blogosphere (I think that's the word). If you haven't already run across this blog, I'd heartily recommend that you take a look at it.

    As you do, and as I often try to do, he puts his advice out there and hopes it is helpful to someone. There is a great joy in simply writing, but one hopes that someone actually reads one's efforts. I certainly appreciate yours, and Fur's, so keep on going, please.

  7. Thank you for the wonderful post, Barbara. Thank you also to Lady Grey for the kind words and for pointing me here.

    I think one of the problems that goes on in regards to how men and women tend to enter into this lifestyle at the man's insistence is rooted in another aspect of upbringing. Women and Girls generally have a support system built up amongst their good friends that they feel they can talk to "about anything." The problem that often happens is that their husband/boyfriend approaching them about being dominant tends to blindside them and truly comes out of nowhere. I have a feeling that in those moments she feels betrayed, distrustful (just who is this man really?), and most importantly, isolated.

    If she is on the younger side of things with a run of the mill boyfriend it's pretty easy to just dump him and move on, and then tell her friends why she dumped him. If they have been married for years and she has a significant portion of her life invested in the marriage (e.g. a home, kids, etc.) she is probably hit twice as hard. The one person she thought she could talk to about anything has now shown a side she never knew about and since much of their social life likely revolves around other couples, she is confronted with a new type of loneliness and isolation. If she tells her friends, they may tell their husbands and ruin his life, or her and her husband may be blacklisted as being the "deviant" couple. It's a rather scary scenario, especially in suburbia and with the ready flow of communication via mediums such as facebook and twitter.

    It's in this new state of isolation where she probably just has no idea what to do or how to deal with this when it first arises.

    Men seem to do much better with this. They have likely fantasized about it for years, tried to make it go away, and had it return several times over by the time they work up the courage to talk to their spouse. Men aren't accustomed to having others they can talk to in a non-judgmental environment about their sexuality so they have likely cycled through the cycle of arousal, shame, and self-hatred (and possibly acceptance) several times over. Basically, they have already grown accustomed to the isolation and developed coping mechanisms to separate it from their day to day life. At some point, probably in search of Femdom porn, they found themselves immersed in an internet community of similar men to whom they could connect with anonymously.

    By the time the husband "drops the bomb" it is likely that he has surveyed the kink-friendly side of the internet for years. His wife is more likely to take a chance talking to a friend or seek out someone else, such as a therapist or pastor.

    It does take a lot of processing for a woman to come to terms with this and any bit of insight they can garner as to the joys, benefits, and pleasures of Dominance provide a great service to them. Patience on the sub's part is a definite must have.

    (I broke 4096 characters so I will have to split this into two comments).

  8. (continued from previous comment)

    In regards to submissive men outnumbering Dominant women, my guess is that it's in the realm of a 40:1 to 200:1 ratio, with the numbers being slightly inflated if you use the internet as a reference.

    I've found much of the difficulty men have in communicating is due to the shame they feel at desiring a D/s dynamic. It makes them feel strange and early on, many of them spend a lot of effort trying to make it go away. It can be quite hard stating you want something when the thought of wanting it brings great shame. This becomes a bit tricky with some subs (myself included) since being ashamed at being a submissive actually leads to a deeper state of subspace. Finding peace with submission takes away from that state. When with experienced Dommes it can also be a fine line to tip-toe... communicating your desires and needs vs. topping from the bottom. I can say that communication is better than failing to communicate but communication can sometimes be quite awkward when it seems like it should be straight forward.

    Wow, I wrote more than I had intended to and there's still a few things I would like to comment on but I'm out of time.

    Thank you again for the great post and I'm glad to see you are writing again.

  9. I feel as if I were intruding on ladies' conversation. I have been reading this blog and enjoyed it for several reasons which I will not elaborate this time.

    Barbara, you are a rare person. You write about yourself on an open forum, ready to take criticism. You are a self-admitted dominant female. You are not a damaged-goods or a rabied supremacist. You are comfortable being yourself without disparaging others.

    I am saying this because you are almost unique. The web is bloated with self-styled dominas who are unintelligent, uneducated, and some unbalanced. I can give you details, but I am sure you have seen some.

    Yes, you might be called a bitch, but that is just a label whether deserved or not. You are who you are, and a label will not change it.

  10. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  11. Well, I must say that I am a bit overwhelmed at the response to my post. I'm currently not at home, enjoying some vacation time at a rather sunny spot on the globe, but I can't resist commenting here. I never thought that I'd get such excellent feedback, apart from babon up here, who started mentioning penis pills. As if that is an appropriate subject for a weblog dedicated to female dominance...

    That being said, let me get to the people who give me some wonderful feedback.

    @Lady Grey
    Thank you for pointing me to Fur Sissy's weblog. I have read the post you mentioned and read some other bits here and there. There is a lot of text, certainly, but I plan to set aside some time to read it. As you said, it is definitely worth a look!

    @Fur Sissy
    Thank you for your elaborate comment. I think you make an excellent point and it is one I sort of touched on in my post, but did not go into very deeply. The things you mention, clarify why it is so difficult for women to accept their husband's or lover's submissive side. He has indeed come to accept his submissive side, perhaps after years of struggle, denial, and then picking it up again. By spending time online, he has become very familiar with the things he wants and needs. All the greater is the feeling of shock and perhaps betrayal for the woman when he approaches her with a well-rounded fantasy, things he'd like to try, etc. The woman feels he is miles ahead of her and he is forcing her to catch up in a day. I agree, she is left feeling that she can no longer talk to him (though I think she should) and no one else to talk to either, because it's not the sort of thing you mention in polite conversation. Saying things like: "Girls, Paul asked me to take him up the arse with a strap-on yesterday" is not the sort of thing that will make you popular at the golf club brunch.

    That is the woman's side of things. For the men, there is indeed a lot of shame involved. From early on, men are expected to be strong, nurturing, independent. So to have feelings that tell them to be otherwise, must be very confusing and embarrassing for them. With no one to talk to and with a lot of fear of being rejected if they do, it must be very hard on them.

    @Susan's Pet
    You are not intruding at all, this weblog is an open forum. Thank you for your compliment, though I'm not sure if I'm deserving of all your praise. It is true, I do not hate men or feel that I am better than them. I love men and if one is willing to submit to me because he chooses to do so, I will love him even more. I don't think that is the way it is supposed to be for all men, of course.

    I think people should live their lives the way they want to. It's not for me to say if that is good or bad, just as no one else can judge what goes on in our home.

  12. Barbara,

    Thank you very much for the reply and for checking out my blog. I hope you can find at least something of interest there to read.

    I was fortunate enough to have the D/s dynamic introduced to me by a woman I was dating (it was more in the form of an ultimatum that I go along with it or it was over) and she was over-joyed when my response was an excited yes. With that in mind I haven't experienced the kind of trials that couples go through when a submissive male "drops the bomb" on his wife, but if I hadn't met her, I fear I may have been one of those same men.

    It is quite hard to accept being a submissive and being aroused in non-traditional ways. Among male peers it's an unwritten rule that it's only okay to be attracted to a woman's breasts, legs, bottom, or face. Loving a woman because she has a great personality is also acceptable but it's not supposed to be what turns us on. It can be a rather lonely feeling to be with a group of guys and a TV commercial or program comes on with a strong, demanding woman on screen and hearing five voices insulting her while deep down you find yourself wanting to be with her.

    Most male subs I have met came to terms with their submission either way too late (well into a marriage with children) or not at all (alternating between binge and denial). It took me approximately four years in the lifestyle to really come to terms with being a submissive. Eventually I was able to talk to a few close friends both male and female and even tell my parents about it when they were wondering why I was in love with a woman that was 26 years older than me when I was 25 years old. While they didn't quite understand and I could tell they didn't fully approve when I explained that making a woman happy was my absolute and greatest pleasure they didn't look down upon me for it either. I will say that in most cases I didn't talk about it with a lot of detail and that was probably for the best, but it also didn't ever allow me to shed that lonely and isolated feeling. This is especially problematic when my Mistress and I get into an argument.

    However, I have had years to grow accustomed to this position so I can't even begin to imagine what it feels like for a woman to be thrust into this same feeling without any warning.

    On a side note, I also loved your Frusturbation term and the post as well.

    I hope you enjoy your vacation.

  13. I love your story.