The right mindset

This post is directed at women who are not adverse to being a Domme, who are willing to try it out but are not sure if they can be or even play dominant. I hope some of this advice will be useful to you, because I tend to receive a few questions on how to become a Domme. Being dominant is mostly a state of mind, an act, a role that you play. Playing a role does not automatically change you into that role. But it can help you with establishing dominance.

One of the most difficult things, especially for a woman just setting out on the path towards dominance, is to find the right mindset. Dominance is not in your body or in your appearance. It is in your mind. A petite and fragile woman can be extremely dominant when she knows herself to be dominant in her mind. She has to be convinced that she exudes dominance. If you can convince yourself that you are dominant and that what you say, carries with it an air of confidence, you are already halfway there. If you doubt your own dominance, or are not confident in it you can not be an effective Domme. So how do you go about being confident or at least faking your own confidence if you are just beginning?

Well, it may sound corny but a lot of it begins with posture and stance. A Domme does not simply stand. She stands upright, her shoulders back and her chin up proudly. Try it out and you will feel your confidence building automatically. Breathe deeply and slowly so you calm yourself down. Next, there is walking. A dominant lady does not walk, she strides. Try walking slowly, planting your feed purposefully. Walk upright, looking around. Always remember that a Domme stands and walks upright with a straight spine.  This will give you a feeling of power and confidence automatically. And don't forget, it will make you look confident and powerful too. Try slowly walking in a circle around a man who is on his knees. It will be very difficult not to feel some sort of rush of power.

Speech is vitally important. If you are just starting out, you may feel very awkward telling a man what to do. This can make your voice soft, timid and your speech unsure. Fortunately, you can also fake confidence here. Start out by only giving short instructions telling him what to do, don't hold long speeches. Don't allow him to look directly at you, instead make him look at the floor, your feet or something like that. By avoiding direct eye contact, it will be easier and less confrontational for you to give commands. While a powerful, dominant gaze may be what you want, this method will give you some time to develop it. Should he look up despite being instructed not to, don't stare him down if you're not feeling confident. Instead, a simple slap to his face will be enough. It doesn't have to be hard for it to startle him and remind him of his position.
At the same time, don't allow him to speak. He will have to answer when asked a question but he should not be allowed to speak out of his own. This will ensure you don't have a big mouth or awkward questions. Most submissive men will easily accept this instruction.

Next, make him take a position that shows he is submissive. Especially if you are petite and the man in question is big. Simply telling a big, strong man to kneel so that you can look down on him, will give you a feeling of confidence. You may ask yourself why the man in question would even consider obeying you. After all, he is much bigger and stronger than you. Never forget that in his heart, he wishes you to take charge. He wishes to obey you. He wishes that you tell him what to do. Otherwise he would not even be there with you. The power exchange is always a matter of give and take. He gives you the power and authority and he expects you to accept it and assume the authority. As long as you remember that he longs to obey you, you will be fine.

Dress is an important aspect of asserting dominance. Don't worry, you don't have to be a leather-clad, whip wielding, booted vixen. Try to go instead for a business like look. Dress in a strong colour like dark grey or black. A simple white blouse over a black pencil skirt is more than enough. It looks strict and stylish at the same time. There's no need to dress in anything sexy. Most submissive men would not need that anyway. For them, the Domme is someone they should not see as a sex object. The Domme is a woman to be respected and somewhat feared. Proper dress will help them to create and strengthen that image of you.
On the other end of the spectrum is the submissive. While you remain dressed, stern looking and aloof, you can widen the power gap by having him undress. The clothed female, naked male concept can work wonders for you here. It's difficult for him to feel anything but humbled if he is in the presence of a dressed woman and he himself is naked and on his knees.

By playing the dominant role more often, you become better at it. It will start to feel more natural and before long, it will no longer be simply a role. The things you tried to do will become more comfortable and more natural to you. As you see that your dominance is accepted as a matter of course by a submissive man, your confidence will grow and while you may still resort to any and/or all of the above devices, you will no longer have to rely on them.

In summary, use of the following devices will help you establish dominance and allow you to assume dominance more naturally:

• Posture and stance
  Keep your back straight and stand tall, keeping your chin up
• Stride, don't just walk
  Try to walk slowly, purposefully
• Speak in short commands at first
  You speak, he does only when asked a direct question
• Avoid direct eye contact by making him look down
  It will make you feel at ease when he is not staring at you
• Submissive posture
  If you are looking down on him literally, it is easier to be dominant
• Dress for power
  You look strong in your business-like clothes, he is naked
• Practice
  Do it often enough and it will start to feel more natural

Oh, and perhaps the most important thing to remember is, try to have fun. Sure, you may not get it right but that is no reason to become disappointed. No one was born the perfect Domme. We all learn by doing and along the way, we make mistakes. So if both of you end up on the floor in a laughing fit because during your purposeful stride you tripped, that is fine too. As with all things in life, practice makes perfect but if it is not fun, you will lose interest. I can honestly say that assuming a dominant role can be a very rewarding experience. There is something very beautiful in seeing a strong man yield to your desires. This does not mean that he is weak or worthless. It simply means that he values your desires over his and that takes a very strong and decent man. Physically, you may look down on your submissive but in your mind you should honour and respect him. After all, what good is it being dominant if there is no one for you to dominate?

Barbara's mailbag

I have been getting lots of interesting email since I started my weblog and I thought I would share some of that with you. Of course I will preserve the anonymity of the sender. First of all, let's start with a big no-no when writing to a Domme.

How not to talk to a Domme
I like to think of myself as fairly accessible and easy-going as a Domme. I certainly don't expect people who write me to grovel or beg for anything. Just a polite message will do. I do however have some standards and some messages just rub me the wrong way. The example below left me flabbergasted behind my PC. Allow me to quote one line from this message:
"Let me know what part of the country you live, so I can deceide if I can travel to you."
Excuse me? I won't mention the spelling mistake or the fact that you don't even know what country I am in, but did you just tell me what to do? And you can decide if you can travel to me? What makes you think I'd be willing to see you in the first place, let alone spank you? If there's anyone going to be deciding anything around here, it will be me. And you do not invite yourself, I will invite you. Guys, I know communicating is difficult for most of you, but do try harder than the author of this message, please?

Can I be your slave?
I've gotten several of these messages and first of all, I have to say that it is flattering to read them. I mean that sincerely. However, I do not take slaves, not  in the bdsm sense of the word. I am not a mistress, not a slave owner. I do not own my submissive. Rather, he submits to me out of his own free will, because he wants to. I accept his submission as a gift.
That being said, right now I am not in the market for an additional submissive. Certainly not in real life. I have thought about taking an online submissive but at the moment I would have too little time for him or her. Should that change however, I will let you all know here.

How do I get my wife to dominate me?
I received this question several times and I'm sorry to say that there is no easy answer. You know your wife best, supposedly. So the one most ideally suited to answer that question is you yourself. Every person is different but I suppose she will fall in one of the categories below:

• Not interested in anything kinky
• Willing to listen
• Willing to experiment
• Willing to play
• Glad to play

If your wife falls into the two top categories, you are probably out of luck. I'm sorry to be blunt, but that's just the way it's likely going to be. She may be willing to listen to your desires but she will most likely not be able to reciprocate.
If she falls in the third category, you may be in luck. She might find some things about the lifestyle that she likes but I doubt she will be willing to live the lifestyle. She may also find that she does not like it, in which case you will be out of luck, probably.
If she is willing to play, you are in luck. She may be doing it just for you, humoring you or she may actually find some satisfaction in it. Over time, she could grow into quite the Domme!
Glad to play, well, then you have probably awoken a monster and there's no saving you now!

I don't think it is possible to turn a woman into a Domme. If you are a submissive man in a relationship with a vanilla woman, one who is truly vanilla and not just out of touch with her own desires, you will most likely never get her to help you out with your desires. She may not even want to listen to them. I know that's not what you want to hear and I wish with all my heart it were different, but sadly I think it isn't. If it's not in her, then no amount of explaining, dropping hints and pleading is going to make her a real Domme. She may humor you on occasion by playing along, but I doubt it will be satisfactory for either of you. Worse still, she may begin to hate doing it.
That being said, I think there are probably a great many women out there who are very dominant and who have the potential to grow into good Dommes but they're either afraid of those feelings, they may feel it is not womanlike to be in charge. Others may even be afraid of those feelings of wanting to be in control. Women have been conditioned by society for such a long time that many may feel it is wrong to be a strong, independent, sexual woman.

If your wife is of the dominant variety, and she may well be if you have submissive tendencies, chances are there is a different approach to achieving her to be your Domme. It is a subtle path, not a straight road towards a goal, though. However, I think it may be a workable solution for those who know that their wives are not ready to listen or are afraid to approach the subject openly.
Even without her knowing about it, you can still submit to her. Whenever she asks you to do something, you do it right away. Even better, you try to anticipate what she wants and do it before she asks. If she's upset with you, you apologize to her, even if you feel you don't have to. Sexually, you take care of her needs before you think of yourself. I'm not telling you to become a doormat, you can still make your own opinion known, but in the end, you let her decide. She decides what's on TV, what restaurant you go to and where the holidays take place. In time she may grow used to you obeying her. She may begin to feel it is the natural state of things. Perhaps then, you can introduce some other aspects of the lifestyle to her. Always remember though, her needs and wants come first.

I am not saying that this is a perfect approach, I am not saying that yes, she will always turn into a Domme if you follow this advice. She may not even like you obeying her! I am saying that it may make the introduction of the lifestyle easier and her more willing to accept things. As always, you know your wife (or girlfriend) best and only you can decide best which approach to take.

Can you teach my wife to dominate me?
Sorry, but I can't do that. I don't have the time nor do I know your wife.

That concludes a little stroll through my mailbox, just in case you were wondering what kinds of messages a Domme gets when she goes public. I have left out the more inappropriate ones, though. You won't believe what some people write me or ask of me!

Bitch? No, just confident!

A comment left by Susan' Pet yesterday, got me to think about something. I know many men out there are longing for a dominant woman. They are either single or in a relationship with a vanilla woman and their submissive desires go unfulfilled. Such a shame! It seems as there are just not enough Dommes to go around. But is that true?


I think there is certainly some truth to that. I remember from my own upbringing that I was often reminded that girls are supposed to be "sweet". They are certainly not supposed to be independent, strong willed, capable and bossy. And as they get older, it only gets worse. A woman who knows what she wants and is not afraid to say it or get it, is often referred to as a bitch. Men who are in a relationship with such a woman are "pussy-whipped". The media do not have a favourable view of strong women, most of the time. I think this is too bad. If I had been confident and comfortable with being a strong willed woman, my life might have been different. It took me quite some time to accept myself as a dominant.

There are plenty of men who have problems with strong women. I have encountered this in my work many times. Some men just can't accept women in a position of authority. If you have to instruct them or call them to order, you are immediately viewed as a bitch. Even if you are just trying to do the job you have been hired to do. While most men pay lip service to the sentence "I don't have problems with working under a female boss", the reality is often different. That is not the kind of "lip service" I look for in a man.

Perhaps there are many more dominant woman out there. But because they have been trained from a young age to be sweet, they may never feel confident enough to explore their dominance. So when they are asked to be dominant, they may be taken aback, shocked even, because they are being asked to go against everything they have been taught. The reverse is true for submissive men, who wish to serve a woman. There is much shame associated with a man allowing himself to be dominated by a woman. Somehow, it appears to be "not natural".

If I may, (of course I may, it's MY weblog after all!) allow me to direct a few words at women who are asked to be dominant by a lover. First of all, be honoured! Be very honoured! A man has trusted you enough to share his most hidden desires and fantasies with you. This is huge, since we all know that most men find it very difficult to communicate. So for God's sake, don't panic and loose your head. Of course you are taken aback, but listen to him. If you manage to suspend any judgement, this may very well be one of the most intimate moments you ever share with him. It may also be a start of something new and very special for the both of you. So don't refuse flat out or laugh at him. Most likely he is not asking you to turn into a leather clad, whip wielding dominatrix (and even if he is, would that really be that bad?).
Think about it and be open with yourself. Are you willing to at least consider the option of dominating him? It doesn't have to be full time, but maybe every once in a while. Does it interest you somewhat or not at all? Imagine him doing things for you, such as bringing you breakfast in bed, hoovering the living room, the kind of chores you don't like. One of the benefits of being a Domme means that you will no longer have to, if that is you game. Does that have any appeal? If you find there is absolutely nothing about this that tickles your fancy, then being a Domme is probably not for you. Still, I would say: don't knock it until you try it, but insist that he helps you. After all, he is asking for it, so he must have an idea of what he wants, even if you don't.

I'd also like to direct a few words at the men who are considering asking their lover to become dominant. What you are about to do, is one of the bravest things you have ever done or will ever do. It's wonderful that you put such trust in your partner. But be careful! You are about to confront her with a role in which she most likely never pictured herself. Most likely she will be very surprised that her partner harbours such desires. She may even become upset and feel betrayed that you mention this at the current point of the relationship and blame you that you should have mentioned it earlier. They key here is patience. I can not stress that enough. Be patient. If someone is about to parachute out of a plane for the first time, you don't just push them out of the plane and see how they get on. You instruct them, teach them techniques, tell them what to expect, do tandem jumps and only then do you allow someone to jump solo. A woman who is asked to be dominant is like someone parachuting into completely unknown territory. Don't expect her to know anything about it or understand what she is supposed to do.
Here is where my second piece of advice comes in: C O M M U N I C A T E ! It's not enough to tell her that you'd like her to Domme you. That's a good start, but no more than that. Be very open, answer all her questions and more. Tell her why you want her to do that, tell her how it makes you feel. Tell her that you are there for her and want to help her, if she is willing to experiment. You can not make a woman a Domme against her will no matter how much you want to. She has to at least be open to it. If you've asked her, told her everything she wanted to know and she states that she is not open to it or comfortable with it, you may try and pry why that is. But accept her refusal. Don't push the matter because you'll likely make her even less interested. It's not in everyone. But it could be in the one you asked.

As for me, am I a bitch? Well, if being confident of my abilities, sure of what I expect and not afraid to say it, makes me a bitch, then yes. And in that case I am proud of being a bitch.